I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
