Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
