Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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