At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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