not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
