matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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