Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
