Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
