You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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