Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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