He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
