Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
