I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
