Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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