What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
