then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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