Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
