She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
