i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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