In the future we'll all be gay
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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