totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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