She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
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she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
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btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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