have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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