it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
