Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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