You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
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