As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
