3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
