watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
