pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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