my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Also, beer. Big fan.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
