You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
