Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
