I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
