So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
