you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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