alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
