someone get that fucking seahorse.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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