did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
