i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
