i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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