3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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