i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
