is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
