shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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