I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
