well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
