There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
you had me at cake vodka
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
