I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
