Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
