this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
