I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
