I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
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Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
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My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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