I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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