i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
