Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
wat bout pragnant strippers??
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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