he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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