I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
