Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
