my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
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Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
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I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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